Night of Shame

I planned a bonfire with Sally, unbeknownst to my friend Sam, who is probably fucking her brains out right.....now.

Anyhow, I showed up with some friends, and it already looked grim: Sally was there, her Ex, his Friends, and this annoying girl who looks like a penguin.

"Great," I thought. We'll have a fun ass time, all 7 of us, and I'll be able to mack on her while she sits on her Ex's lap.

Sam finds out about the bonfire and makes his appearance after more friends have showed up. If I didn't say this earlier, Sam is planning to hook up with Sally, today, and this was yesterday. So Sam says what's up to me, etc, and then he sees Sally.

He sees that Sally is drunker than an Indian that fell headfirst into a bucket of whiskey, and he gets excited.

"Oh boy, I'm about to get ym dick sucked!" Then he realizes I'm right there, and that I still like Sally a lot, and "apologizes".

"Oh my bad man," He sees me take a sip of my drink and says, "Yeah, there you go. Drown your sorrows." I got pissed and told him to fuck off.


Later I pull Sam aside and tell him why this is so hard for me. If it had been any other guy that swooped in on her, I would've been sad, but able to recuperate. The fact that Sam is that guy is all the more sickening. I also told him why I care so much, partly because I'm infatuated with her and partly because I want to leave highschool with at least a first kiss to put on my resume. He respectfully understood, and said he felt bad.

I looked at her, and she was a drunken fool. Then she comes up to us, sobbing, and says, "I'm so sorry for everything, I just, I just don't want you to hate me," and I was genuinely disturbed.

"No, no, it's fine, don't worry about it!" I pleaded, not understanding what she was talking about. Then she walked away and moaned and laughed and did all sorts of stupid shit, and that's when I remembered Michael's quote:

"Sally is not a romantic. She doesn't understand the concept, she prefers brief flings and romances, and she won't love you back; not like you love her"

From there it all went downhill. I decided to walk away from the group, sit down, pull my hoody over my eyes, and drink myself into submission.

Friends came over to me, trying to make me feel better. I was defeated, totally and entirely, like somebody took my will to live and crushed it in their hands.


Sally even came up to me, pulled my hoody from out of my face and asked me what's wrong, babbling and such. I didn't say anything, I just stared out misrebly into the distance.


Then she put the hoody over my eyes and forgot about me.

A Change Is Gonna Come -Sam Cooke

I never really appreciated this song until I learned the story behind it

Cooke wrote it as an answer to Dylan's "Blowin in the Wind", a symbol of the Civil Rights struggle, but I see it differently


The message is very human; everyone can relate to this song

I suppose this is why it has aged so well




Gives me chills every time.

Rumors

I told my friend, who we'll call Hero, about my situation with Sam and Sally.

He said, "Don't worry dude, she's not that into him."

I was astounded.

Can it be?

I asked him.

"What do you know!"

Apparently Hero was hanging around school with Sally and this boy called Fool (the guy is a lovable idiot). The three of them were talking about various things, and Fool said, quiet bluntly, as this is his nature, "you know Sam's hella trying to get on you, right?"

Hero says that Sally said she didn't see Sam like that, certianly not as a love interest.

I was temporarily overjoyed when I heard this, but then I asked Hero when this happened.

"Idk. Like 2 weeks ago..."

Fuck

A lot can happen in 2 weeks...

And Sampson is persistant, always sitting with her, talking. Now that he knows I know, I feel like I can't ever talk to her without him being there.

Sampson didn't say a word to me today. I thought he was mad but Michael told me he popped Dextrose before coming to school, and the side effect is paranoia and anger. I guess that explains his mood.

At first I was heartbroken over Sally and sad that she might hook up with my friend, now I just want to flick him out of the way. Starting to piss me off.

I mean FUCK.

Sampson has had plenty of sexual experience. I have none. Sampson's gotten his dick sucked numerous times. I've never kissed a girl.

I NEED THIS MORE THAN HE DOES.

I'M MORE DESERVING OF HER.

I'M BETTER FOR HER THAN HE IS.

• Sam jokes around with her. I can make her laugh, hard.
• Sam just wants her pussy. I want to make her happy.
• Sam doesn't see past, "a couple of hookups". I want to form a relationship, I want to treat her right.

Really, I'm just being selfish. I like her a lot, and I want her just to see how it feels, to have a romantic relationship and all that. I don't expect to have sex, I just want to be loved/to love.

If I don't start soon, when will I? College? Find some desperate med student who wants a quick fuck, and mark it off my list?

Sally is tender. Cute. Adorable. Funny. Curvy. An anomaly, as she's not very popular but one of the finest girls at our school.




I hate everyone.

and fuck you too, stupid bitch

Oh....

Apparently, Sampson and Sally are going to have an all day drug fest, says Michael.


She called him two nights ago.


Michael told me that if he wasn't hanging out with Sampson, Sampson would have gone to her house.


I guess none of this matters anymore.



From now until the end, it's eating, walking, music, and writing. Because I hate everyone.

I'm 208 Pounds!

So far I've lost 9 pounds, from 217 last week to 208 this morning. And I'm still going!

I'm fucking proud of myself. Last night I went with some friends to this girl's Hotel Birthday party. We got there, the room was incredibly small, and not sick. So I drank some Southern Comfort and just let things take their course.

After an hour we left, and in my drunken urges I said "dude let's get burritos!" Well, luckily one of my friends stopped to get Pizza. Across the street was a shittier pizza place, Cybelle's, and I remembered they had salads, so I went over there and got one.

To top it off, I walked home today. I'm forming good habits!


Unfortunately, there's a deviation in my romantic plans: I talked to my friend, who we will call Sampson, because that sounds funny, and I asked him what his status was with this girl, who we will call Sally.

Apperantly Sampson was planning to hook up with Sally next weekend, and had no idea I was interested. Obviously I was crushed.

Sampson: "Aww...fuck man I didn't know you were trying to get with her."

Me: Yeah, but it's cool man, I mean, I'm gonna take her to prom....what's your longterm plans with her?

Sampson: Oh, I'm just gonna hook up, that's all. I'm not taking her to prom. I'm glad you told me now rather than later...like I'm glad we talked a little about this.

Me: yeah...

Sampson: Ay, are you hella pissed?


I wasn't pissed, more just defeated, because Sampson is one of my closest niggaz and because I really had my hearts set on this girl. But he already had his own plan, before mine.

As I left the party, he said we should talk about it later. I don't know what we can resolve, but I have some selfish assumptions about his plan.

1. Sampson is short. Very short. Like 5'3". I'm 6'4". She's probably like 5'7". He's good looking, but he's still a small fella.

2. Because of his shortness, girls tend to act like he's just a close friend. It sucks for him, but in this case it helps me. Although I'm still like a friend to her as well...

I can't just tell him not to hook up, after all, he was looking to do it before I was and he's the homie.

So now I'm just conflicted.....


Are we going to share her? Am I just being a pussy? Should I claim her? Do either of us have a chance at claiming her?


Fuck balls.

tit ass shit water



I hate everyone

Long Walk Today

I walked from 9th and Judah, down through Golden Gate Park to Amoeba Records in the Haight, walked to Haight and Divis, turned and walked through Castro and reached Noe Valley.

My feet are blistered and aching. Thankfully I took a shower and cleaned up, so they don't hurt as much as they did.

Listened to plenty of Stevie, Teddy, Sunshine Anderson, and other stuff. I swear, without music these walks would be terrible. Thankfully I have my trusty broken iPod that only plays in one ear, so I use a mono adapter.

I called Michael and told him about my walk, and he didn't really care, then he tells me he told his friend and dad about a dramatic text message I sent him, and I got angry and told him to stop relaying things I tell him to other people. Then he says to me, "listen, I don't have to be talking to you at all," and I lost it, and pointed out to him that whenever he calls me (when he's out and about), I talk to him just because he needs some entertainment. Then here he has the audacity to threaten to hang up on me. Two timing little shit face, fuck you.

So I realized, on these walks, I've developed a sense of independence. It sounds lame just writing it, but I'm in my zone, I'm getting fresh air, pumping Stevie Wonder and I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit.

If anyone gives me shit, I say "fuck you" and I just walk for miles. It does me good to get away from everyone. It feels good.

I'm Fucking Doing It!

I'm walking home from school everyday. Today was my third day.

I intend to lose at least 15 pounds in 4 months.

I'm giving myself this deadline so I can ask this girl to prom. I owe it to her and myself to lose a couple, just so I can make a charming case and so I can feel good about myself.

Don't think I'm one of those guys. "Dude, prom, I HAVE to go". This isn't about the sanctity of a high school tradition, this is about a girl I need to impress. I've known her for 4 years, she's a homie, but not once have I legitimately tried to pursue her. Maybe that's because of her Russian boyfriend. Well he's out of the picture, so I'm gonna make my move. Do or die nigga.

I currently weigh like 215-ish. I'm not FAT, by any means, but family friends do say, "boy you've filled out since I last saw you".

"Yeah, have I? Well you're a pussy bitch" then I break my wine glass in their face and take their wallet.


215 isn't a lot, and considering I'm like 6'2", most of the fat goes to my stomach, something I cover up with dress shirts, etc.

In freshman year I was depressed because my cock didn't work, and I just naturally lost weight. I don't know how I did it, but I envy those days...

I was UNDER 200 pounds back then. Well, now I just have to lose them pounds manually.

The walk itself is roughly 3.11 miles (says mapquest), but is relatively easy, until I have to walk up Castro. That hill is a mother fucker. That hill is a passive agressive ass shit that creeps up on you then gets in your face. I ran up that bitch today, showed him what's up.

I'm setting the bar low. 15 pounds, 4 months? easy. I can do better. I assume to lose 15 in like a months then just keep going with the program.